Asexuality - What is it?

            Asexuality is the absence of physical desire. This isn’t dependent on partner, or situation. Many people feel reduced desire for a partner where there has been ongoing fighting. Many people with young children find that their desire decreases. Asexuality is different, asexuality is a persistent lack of desire to engage in sexual relationships, it is an orientation not a circumstance. When watching a movie, or reading a book with a sexy bit, an asexual person may be more interested in the lighting, the make up or the description of the setting.

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            Approximately a third of 18 to 30 year old Autistic women reported that they were asexual (Bush & Mendes, 2021). For many older women they may not just be lacking the language to explain how they feel, but may not be aware of even the concept of asexuality. Lacking both the language and the concept can be alienating and lonely.

            Some of the categories under the asexual umbrella are demi-sexual, gray-sexual and questioning. Demi-Sexual people do sometimes feel desire for a partner after bonds of affection have developed. Their desire is the result of the relationship rather than existing in and of itself. Gray-Sexual people experience desire infrequently and without the intensity typically felt by other people. Gray-Sexual people may have an increased or decreased libido. I’m also going to make mention here of aromantic people. Aromantic folks may have sexual relationships and desire, but may not have an orientation to romantic relationships. Aromantic people may also be asexual, which is referred to as aroace. Aromantic is not considered part of the asexual spectrum, but it’s often unacknowledged as an orientation and there can be overlap with asexual folks, that’s why I’m including it in this blog.

Addressing Asexuality can be challenging. Many health care practitioners have very little or no training in Asexuality and may not understand it as a part of the sexual spectrum. Many folks, especially older women, have been raised to believe that their lack of desire is a fault within them and without context live with sadness or shame about their sexuality, believing themselves to be alone in their feelings. When I work with Asexual folks, it is from a standpoint that absent an identifiable cause (hormonal, medicinal, trauma) that Asexuality can be a normal part of existence and that while relationship challenges may arise from this orientation, it doesn't make the orientation itself in any way wrong.

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Bush, H. H., Williams, L. W., & Mendes, E. (2021). Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 51(2), 725–733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04565-6