Spelling Errors and Internalized Ableism

Spelling Errors and Internalized Ableism

You may have noticed that there is a spelling error from time to time in my work. I really struggle with spelling, the words I know (thankfully most of them) I know, the words I don’t, I really, really don’t. Now, spell check takes care of most of it, but sometimes words are missed, or the error isn’t the kind of thing caught by spell check. I used to feel really big feelings about this, a lot of shame and embarrassment. I grew up in an era where spelling was a rote exercise and “good” students learned to spell. They knew the difference between summer and sumer, they knew how to spell words phonetically (where you break the word into components and then know how to spell them based on the pieces). I didn’t know any of that. For years I thought the word gym sounded like “gy-m” not “Jim”.

Some of my errors made a bit of sense, but some of them didn’t, and no amount of attempting memorization helped me learn how to spell, (or do multiplication tables frankly).

One of the huge benefits in getting a psych ed assessment for me has been accepting that my self worth isn’t actually tied to spelling. It’s not a reflection of intelligence, my spelling weaknesses are offset by a large vocabulary, my math challenges by skill sets around emotional intelligence. But if you’d asked me a few years ago, I really would have told you that I wasn’t smart. After all, smart people can spell summer without looking it up. Diagnosis gave me the ability to reframe my challenges. So, if you see a spelling error, I’ve decided not to be embarrassed about it anymore. I’m human, I’m allowed to make errors.

Shediac, New Brunswick

Now, I’d like to unpack something here. My internalized ableism, tells me that “smart” is somehow better than “not smart”. But according to who? And why? You see I don’t feel this way about other people. I think that all people have value and worth regardless of markers like intelligence, or money or education level. All people have intrinsic value, regardless of “output”. It’s actually a fundamental part of my belief system that we all matter, and we all matter equally. I think it’s a terrible notion of capitalism that we frame people’s worth in terms of what they produce. So why do I assign value to myself differently? Why is it so important how I measure up in spelling, or math? Why does that matter to me? Internalized ableism. That little voice that says “success” is measured in a particular way. It’s a real struggle. I have to say that the vast majority of people I know and work with who are ND, feel hemmed in by their own ideas about self worth. Ideas they would never attribute to someone else.

Self kindness and compassion are two key strategies to learning to accept and live with neurodivergent learning challenges. We’re actually really allowed to be who we are in the world… not just when it’s convenient or conventional.

My work with late diagnosed folks takes on the unpacking of old ideas and beliefs, and moving into realities about who we are as ND folks, including strengths and challenges!

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