Gentle Apologies and People Pleasing

When I think of apologies right now, I think a lot about the phrase, “No is a complete sentence.” That’s so true, no is a complete sentence and that ought to be enough. For folks who are trying to get off the people pleasing train though, no is often just too hard. The word no can feel harsh, rejecting and confrontational for those not used to using it. I want to be really clear for those folks who are comfortable with the word no, that’s awesome. The word no is direct, it’s clear, it may leave some room for argument, but it’s certainly clear where you’re starting from!

London, Ontario

For some Neurodivergent Women, saying no is an agony. For women who've spent their entire lives being corrected and told they are wrong, the word no is intimidating. We've earned our place in the world through being nice. Through saying yes. We've earned it doing the impossible. But what happens when it's time to put down the people pleasing? What happens when burnout is consuming us, when there isn't anything else to give? What happens when we decide that we're good enough the way we are and that we don't have to earn our place in the world? It's tricky, friends and family may not want us to change. Our employers want us to keep saying yes! But at some point most women find they have to start figuring out what no looks like for them.

For those struggling with no, there are other ways. I’ve heard them called gentle apologies. The language is softer and brings the conversation back to a relational point. Now, to be clear you may wind up needing to become firmer. Sometimes trying to be polite just leaves room for people to try to convince you to change your mind. Gentle apologies won’t work on everyone, but they will work some of the time. Exercising refusal, gives us a chance to get more comfortable with our own power, our own ability to say no.

These are some of the gentle apologies I have used, and sometimes still use.

“I am so sorry, I’m not feeling up to doing that today.”

“My apologies, I’ve overcommitted, and I can’t come with you to… ”

“I’d really love to do that with you, but I can’t do it this week. I have some time available on Friday next week.”

“That activity sounds awesome! Thank you so much for inviting me, but with my chronic disability that’s no longer something I can do. Would you have any interest in coming over and visiting me?”

“A whole afternoon of shopping sounds like so much fun, I wish that was something I could still do. How would you feel about a zoom get together later this week?”

“I am sorry, I just can’t do that right now.”

“I’m sorry, I have to say no.”

Some of these leave more room for discussion, and others end discussion. Some of my responses leave room for more discussion, other times, based on what I know about the person, I like to make things very clear right at the beginning. Some folks who hear the word no, believe they just need to work harder to convince you to agree, others take it as a sign of argument. Some people can’t hear subtlety, or want to problem solve, so that we can do “the thing”. Success using this strategy means understanding who I’m talking to.

            Refusal can be hard, boundaries can be challenging to establish. But, “no” is a gift we give to ourselves. Like many gifts it’s not always perfect, but strengthening the muscles behind “no” can make a profound difference in our lives.

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